I never want to turn into one of those guys who always carries around heart burn medicine, waits for a guy to have heart burn, and then springs to the victim with the cure. You might be thinking, "But it's nice to help people when they're in pain." Well, I agree, and I assure you, I would like to be one of those guys. But in all the commercials, the person always drops something or falls into pain when they get heart burn. Like in one, a guy drops a pair of tongs and grips his heart, and the "doctor" rushes to him to help. But how is one to know whether the person is suffering from heart burn or a heart attack? I don't want to jump up and scream, "Heart burn, aye? I got the cure right here!" then get as a response, "You idiot, I'm having a heart attack, call the hospital. Oh god, I don't want to die!" That would be awkward, and I hate awkwardness, and that's why I won't be one of those guys.

Maury is a good show, it's on from 10:00am to 11:00pm (just kidding, 11:00am) on CBS. I enjoy it, but the problem is, they've ran out of ideas, so they have to do the same thing over and over again. There have been at least, and I'm not kidding, two hundred paternity tests done on that site. And if I see another show about disobedient teens, or how opposites attract, I'm going to scream. That's not true, I'm lying. I don't care how many times Maury repeats himself, it's always funny. I once saw this girl who had tested 8 people, and still didn't find the father of her child. Each time, she would increase the percentage amount of how sure she was the guy was the father. For the first guy, she said she was 100% sure, the second guy, 110%, the third guy, 120%... and so on. That doesn't make sense. If you are 100% sure, that means there is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT, and apparently, if she had tested 8 guys and still hadn't found him, there was doubt. Also, it's impossible to be over 100% sure, IMPOSSIBLE, so not only did she sleep with a lot of guys, she's incredibly stupid. Another reason I like the paternity tests on Maury is because some of the things that happen are priceless. There's nothing like a girl saying "You're the father, I'm positive, and when I prove you wrong, you're going to cry like a baby and you're going to have to PAY UP." Then the paternity test proves she was wrong, and she runs backstage in embarassment. It also happens the other way around, and usually it's not as hilarious, but still funny. So watch Maury, you won't be disappointed.